From Apocalypse Now to a poor collapse now

It is fair to say that the pleasant surroundings of Chiltern CC have never previously been compared to the Vietnamese jungle. However, a balmy afternoon, coupled with numerous low-flying helicopters buzzing the ground (and putting themselves at risk of being hit by Tony MacDonald-Barker’s well-flighted deliveries) did put the thought into your correspondent’s mind. (Also, I love the smell of linseed in the morning). This, combined with some of the slaughter taking place on the pitch, turned the afternoon into something of an homage to Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 classic.

Rickmansworth did have a half-decent team before the game, before Ben Soames resurrected his old habit of pulling out late, taking Soames Junior with him. Whether that same habit led to the arrival of Nathan in the first place remains unconfirmed. Sean Lindsay was thus in the tricky position of telling a player who had been surplus to requirements the previous day that he was, in fact, required; fortunately, there were no hard feelings.

The eleventh position in the team was more difficult to fill, due to the annual presence at Rickmansworth of hotty hockey totty (a phrase now given to Rory to utter, in order to test his sobriety; he hasn’t passed yet) reducing the number of available players. However, Andy Bird was able to squeeze in a couple of hours (and, more pertinently, half-a-dozen overs) prior to taking Mrs.Bird to see Robbie Williams. Alas, he wasn’t able to stay any later, so we couldn’t let him entertain us with his rumbustious batting.

Just before the start, Sean strolled past the IAS players (keenly practicing on the outfield) across to the Rickmansworth masses (sitting on deckchairs, smoking and drinking), to announce he had received a request from Mrs.Phillipson – to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to her husband. We duly obliged. After that small piece of Brearley-esque motivation, he then added that he had lost the toss, and Rickmansworth were condemned to field in the heat. At least it wasn’t his fault, although the grudging largesse which remained amongst his team-mates lasted the mere seconds it took him to comment that he would have fielded first as well. Earlier in the week, he and brother Brendan had taken seven wickets between them on the ground, playing for Chiltern; not unnaturally, they took the new ball in the hope of repeating the feat.

And things undoubtedly started well. Monty was castled by the more hirsute Lindsay, followed swiftly by fellow opener Umar, well caught by Matt Atkins off Sean’s bowling. Jon Wood then caught Hallid above his head at slip to give Brendan his second wicket, followed swiftly by Imtiaz holing out to Bird from Sean’s medium-pace. Skipper Sean, with one eye on the closing overs, instigated a double-change, bringing on Tony MacDonald-Barker and Bird – a veritable cornucopia for left-hand lovers. Ishtiyak’s reaction to Tony Mac’s well-flighted bowling was to try and smack the ball out of the ground, only to find Phillipson’s throat instead. IAS were 45-5 and in deep trouble.

Sadly, that was to be as good as the afternoon got. IAS’ No.3 batsman, Shaks, had watched procession of his team-mates being dismissed, largely because they hadn’t heeded his good advice to “wait for the ball to come to you.” Aqib, batting at seven, listened. After a period of consolidation leading up to the drinks interval, IAS stepped on the gas. Bird, Phillipson, Vikram Naicker and MacDonald-Barker (the latter until an expensive last over) bowled well enough, but had little opportunity to make the breakthrough.

That said, Williams was responsible for a horrible dropped catch at fine leg off of Bird, which not only gave Aqib a second life, but also broke Williams’ little finger. (“You tried to catch that in the wrong part of your hand” said Brendan afterwards. Such insight is what makes playing Sunday cricket worthwhile).

With bowling options running out, Sean turned to the lesser-used spin of Atkins and Wood; the latter in particular causing deep joy amongst the visitors. At last, Rickmansworth’s answer to the Mitchell brothers came back into the attack to try and restore some order. Sean’s sharp caught-and-bowled removed Aqib for 64, followed by Shaks, dismissed for a superb 120. With four wickets, Sean had an eye on the honours board (which, incidentally, will need to be extended widthways should Tony ever take five wickets for us). Not wanting to be left out, Brendan then trapped Jawad lbw and bowled Khaytab, leaving him also on four wickets amid a resolutely non-wagging tail. Oddly enough, Sean seemed to back away from a possible catch off of Brendan’s last ball; brothers, eh?

With the last pair at the crease, and Sean to bowl the last over, he had six good chances to make the Rickmansworth honours board. His team, however, had other ideas, running out the non-bat-grounding Maaytab first ball. The skipper was not impressed. IAS had set a target of 230 – surely an impossible dream for Rickmansworth, especially without Ray “Don Quixote” Collins to score the runs.

The previous week had seen Rickmansworth’s first three batsmen dismissed for nought. On this basis, the departure thus of only two – Atkins and Naicker – could therefore be seen, in a small way, as progress. In contrast, opener Phillipson was determined to enjoy his birthday, regularly peppering the boundary (and various family members sitting thereon) with fours. However, like the Liberal Democrats at the next general election, he had almost no support, Ken Brown’s departure leaving the hosts 19-3.

A period of consolidation was needed at the other end, and the veteran Dave Malin was the man to do it. The compact left-hander unfurled some lovely leg-side boundaries in a cameo innings, helping Phillipson take the total to 84 from seventeen overs before he was bowled. Then came disaster: Phillipson, who had reached his fifty in only fifteen scoring shots, played a tired shot and was bowled. Wood, MacDonald-Barker and Williams soon followed, the latter making the elementary mistake of trying to cream the comedy bowler’s first delivery, and being bowled. Again, it was down to the Lindsays to bring some respectability to the Rickmansworth total, adding eighteen before Sean was caught. Rickmansworth had collectively totalled twelve runs fewer than IAS’s Shaks.

The Sunday team are competing this season, and have played some enjoyable matches against friendly opponents. However, the lack of batting is proving to be a real hindrance, as they are too often unable to build on their good work in the field. Can the team find some batting Viagra to stiffen their resolve (if not something else)? A return to Chiltern on 14 July, against the intriguingly-named Metropolitan Line CC, is the first opportunity to find out.